


On Foot I Had To Cross the Solar System

by HKi



Category: Xenosaga
Genre: Action/Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HKi/pseuds/HKi
Summary: Trained ex-soldier Aleth Nikera is thrust into events involving the gnosis, U-TIC, and the fate of galaxy and is forced to overcome her own personal demons.  This is a re-telling of the game trilogy from the POV of an original character.
Kudos: 2





	1. Easier Than Just Waitin' Around to Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings - There are slight references to depression in this chapter.

The elevator lurched and Nikera felt a click in her right leg. It was doing that more often lately. Federation equipment was like that sometimes, especially their more generic stuff. Barely a day had gone by since the last calibration, and already the damn thing was acting up. Having cybernetic limbs had its advantages, but sometimes it required more maintenance than the organic parts of her body.

Juli Mizrahi was waiting in her office when Nikera, tapping her leg on the floor, arrived. Nikera had seen her before several times both in person and in the news, but this was the first time they’d met face to face. She was a stern-looking woman with brown hair that barely drifted down to her shoulders. Still, behind her stern face, Nikera recognized a softness she had seen once very long ago. Not unlike herself, Juli Mizrahi was changed by the events of the past, but some part of her still remained.

“Aleth Nikera,” Juli said. “Helmer has spoken of you from time to time. You look exactly as he described you.”

Nikera tapped her foot on the ground once more in an effort to stop the click-click-click but to no avail. “I expect, since it’s you, he didn’t leave anything out.”

“My position affords me access to information that otherwise isn’t available,” Juli said. “But yes, Helmer told me about you and where you come from.”

“Then I’m surprised you wanted my services at all.”

“On the contrary, you come highly recommended,” she said. “Besides, you aren’t the only one with ties to a less-than-glamorous past. That being said, I couldn’t entrust this job so openly to you when others are privy to the details. That’s why I hired someone else to retrieve the 100-Series Prototype.”

“Then why call me here in the first place,” Nikera said.

“A little extra security would make me feel better. According to Helmer, it’s also been some time since you’ve returned to Second Miltia. He says you’re something of a workaholic. Helmer does a favor for me and I do one for him.”

Nikera smirked on one side of her mouth and laughed through her nose. “So what exactly am I doing for you?” she said.

Juli tapped the screen on her desk and a holo popped up displaying a cyborg on one side and the 100-Series Prototype on the other. “We’ve hired a cyborg called Ziggurat 8 to recover the 100-Series Unit from U-TIC-controlled space. Your job is to rendezvous with the cyborg at the designated coordinates and escort them to Second Miltia where you’ll be debriefed.”

Nikera nodded. “It should be a simple job,” she said, “provided U-TIC doesn’t put up much of a fight. I suppose that’s why you’ve hired me.”

Juli’s face didn’t change, but Nikera sensed a change in her nonetheless. Maybe it was the way she folded her fingers in front of her or something about the tone of her voice. She felt like she was standing across the room from a shrink. From what she knew of Juli Mizrahi, maybe that assessment was on the mark.

“I want to be clear with you,” Juli said. “I wanted to hire you for the infiltration. Helmer was confident you were the person for it. So was I, after looking at your service record from the past decade. But higher-ups in the Federation stepped in and eliminated any prospects that involved putting you in direct contact with a U-TIC base. It took some convincing to even allow you to be a party to the rendezvous since it’s likely you’ll engage U-TIC forces in spacecraft combat. I’m no stranger to suspicion by association. I understand the position you’re in, so I would advise you to be thorough in your reports. Those in the Federation who look less favorably on you will be watching the outcome of this assignment closely.”

Nikera raised an eyebrow to Juli in acknowledgment. “You don’t have to warn me,” Nikera said. “I don’t even work for the Federation, but every once in a while they like to remind me how quickly they’ll stick me behind bars if I step out of line.”

“You’re not the only one who had to endure harsh scrutiny to prove allegiances after the Conflict,” Juli said.

“No,” Nikera said, “but I _am_ one of the only ones still under that scrutiny, fifteen years later.” Nikera gave a small and slow nod to Juli before stepping back toward the elevator. She stopped before leaving and tilted her head. “You could have briefed me over the UMN.”

“I wanted to meet you in person,” Juli said. “Call it a preference if you want.”

“I won’t call it anything,” Nikera said. “It’s not my business.” She nodded one more time before signalling the elevator to take her back down. The elevator lurched in the same spot again and put a stop to the clicking in her leg for now. She would have to deal with that later.

***

Space always made Nikera feel a little too comfortable with the idea of dying. More than once she imagined death was a lot like this, just drifting in an endless expanse. Sometimes she felt that if she stayed out here forever and just disappeared, that would be fine. This time, though, the thought of returning to Second Miltia tugged at her heartstrings. Was she afraid to take a break? Afraid to go back? Maybe both were true. But a part of her wanted to go back, even if it made her anxious. It had been months since the last time she visited.

She could have slept in that endless expanse while she waited. Could have, but wouldn’t. It had been a rough couple of months. The dreams were bad lately and a little too vivid. Nikera couldn’t even remember the last time she’d had a full night of rest, and often not sleeping felt better than sleeping poorly. Besides, she wanted to be alert in case the worst should happen. Instead, she listened to the static on unused radio waves and watched the tiny blinking green light on her ocular HUD that signified a non-urgent message waiting.

She debated looking at the message for a long time, opened it momentarily, then closed it again when she saw the sender. Nikera then opened the files of the cyborg that she was supposed to meet. He had an impressive record. Full cyborgs were extremely rare to see, and this one definitely had some age to his parts.

She scanned through the various details. He came from at time before the Life Recycling Act was repealed. Ex-police. Apparently died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. When Nikera saw that bit of information, she closed the file immediately. That information seemed too personal. She wouldn’t want some stranger poring over her own personal history so nonchalantly.

Nikera had already reviewed the file on the 100-Series Prototype, but she opened it and read through it again. Truthfully, there wasn’t much information in it that was detrimental to completing her assignment. Legally, the realian was Juli Mizrahi’s daughter, something that Nikera found odd not only because the circumstances of such a thing befuddled her. Juli also never mentioned anything about it. She spoke of the realian like an object and nothing more.

It wasn’t like Nikera didn’t understand. Even after fifteen years, she sometimes felt uneasy around realians. But she’d encountered countless realians through her work over the years and the better part of her knew they weren’t anything to shun or be afraid of. But maybe Juli Mizrahi still hadn’t gotten over it or perhaps there was more to it.

No one ever showed up to the rendezvous.

Nikera must have checked the coordinates at least a dozen times before she finally convinced herself that the cyborg was extremely late. At that point it was just a matter of listing the reasons why she should stay put. There were at least six reasons by her count, and there was only one reason why leaving to track him down was a good idea.

She wasn’t good at staying put and doing nothing. Nikera had always been that way, sometimes to a fault. There were more than a few times when that had gotten her in trouble.

“There’s usually a middle ground between ‘do nothing’ and ‘kill everyone’.”

Someone had told her that once. Even though there wasn’t anyone around to kill (yet), she thought of it now. It was a long shot, but she could try to pick up any nearby UMN readings, see if anything regarding the cyborg showed up. If she didn’t find anything, at least she tried. Mizrahi would understand that, right? Or would she accuse Nikera of purposefully aiding U-TIC by way of passivity and throw her into the trust-fall of the Galactic Federation judicial system?

“Try the middle ground first, _then_ kill everyone,” Nikera said.

She set her scanners to monitor any UMN traffic within her sector, and then she waited. Nikera had a rough idea of how long was too long to wait if she were in the cyborg’s shoes. Or had his legs? However the metaphor worked with cyborgs.

It turned out she didn’t have to wait very long before something popped up on the scanners. It came through quickly and was gone just as fast. A few more minutes waiting around and she might’ve missed it entirely.

It wasn’t communications traffic, no, but it was the kind of traffic any technician or combatant recognized. Converted to raw computer data it looked a lot like random numbers and symbols on a screen. Converted to sound, it was like bursts of static and beeps. It was common to see this type of UMN data when a battle was going on. Of course, the origin of the data, that is to say the distance between the spurts that came through in the very short ten-second span that she saw it, suggested that the battle was happening in hyperspace.

This was going to be a very long day.

Nikera wished she had a realian partner at that moment. She could compute the speed, distance, and path of the battle based on those ten seconds of data to extrapolate her own jump and catch up to them. Doing it in her head was faster than executing a command on her holo but not as accurate. A realian could have done that computing just as quickly and probably _more_ accurate than any computer. But Nikera didn’t have the time to waste on accuracy before the battle would be too far ahead for her to catch up. She did her computing - probably in personal record time, if she was any judge - and then she made the jump.

It wasn’t like battles in hyperspace never happened, but there was a reason people avoided them. After only a few minutes Nikera had caught up to the battle herself and was looking that reason straight in the face as droid-class mechs and smaller combat ships were blasted around the UMN columns like pinballs before they exploded. Most mechs and spacecraft weren’t built for this kind of combat, and the confines of the UMN column paths made hyperspace travel more dangerous than it appeared.

There was no question that her assignment was linked to this battle. The pursuers in this fight were none other than U-TIC themselves. Unfortunately for their prey, they were very much equipped for this hyperspace battle. The ship itself was a DOMO dropship that deployed droid-class mechs over short UMN distances by way of a DOMO Carrier. No doubt the Carrier had already been dispatched to the ship ahead. Their only job now was to stay in range until their objective was complete, whatever that objective might have been.

The prey ship was a passenger ship at a glance and not built for this battle. But Nikera recognized this ship. And even if she had not recognized the ship, she recognized the crew based on their piloting skills alone. The odds that they would be here were one in a million. Then again, Nikera had beat slimmer odds multiple times in her life. Why _shouldn’t_ the ship be one that she knows?

She hailed the ship known as the Elsa. It didn’t take long for a very angry Captain Matthews, cigarette in mouth, to pop up on her holo.

“Nikera,” he shouted. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question, Captain,” she said. “Knowing you, the answer probably isn’t too hard to figure.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of something here,” Matthews said.

“I did notice,” Nikera said. “I was just passing by, but I suppose I can help you out.”

“Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?”

“Oh, you know,” she said. “Just making sure your pilot is ready for some crazy maneuvers.” Nikera looked to Hammer and Tony, the other crew of the Elsa that were currently on the bridge. Both were dumbfounded at seeing her. It would have been a lie to say that Nikera didn’t get a kick out seeing their surprise. It wouldn’t hurt to see a little more. She entered a few commands into her computer. “I’m going to engage the enemy ship once I’m in range. Can’t promise my shots won’t come your way. Thought you might want to stay informed.”

“R-right,” Hammer said. “If you give me access to your systems, I can keep track of your targeting trajectories.”

“Isn’t that what I said? Look down.”

Hammer did as she said. He furrowed his brow and shook his head a little when he saw the additional holo in front of him that was already feeding him information about Nikera’s mech.

Nikera gave a thumbs up and said, “Good luck, everyone.”

She cut the call and maneuvered her mech to join the combat. The DOMO cruiser was quick to respond with an assault. If the DOMO carrier was already aboard the Elsa, then they were free to turn the full force of their power on this new threat, so that’s exactly what they did.

Nikera hadn’t started out as a mech pilot back in the early days of her career, but she’d learned a thing or two from the best since then. And her mech was built for quick assaults against suppressing fire like this. At this range, dodging the storm of fire that came in her direction wasn’t too difficult. She fired back every chance she got. Her long range weapons weren’t the most powerful, but it was death by one thousand cuts. As long as she kept dodging them while hitting her own attacks, eventually they would have to make more exaggerated maneuvers to avoid her. DOMO transports would be more difficult then. If she could get them out of range of the Elsa, they would be impossible. So she kept at it for as long as it took.

The DOMO cruiser caved eventually. They started maneuvering out of Nikera’s line of fire. At first they only dodged some of the shots, but eventually they had to start dodging more and more. Nikera’s shots sailed past the DOMO cruiser right toward the Elsa. Thanks to the targeting info she was sending to Hammer, Tony was able to pilot out of the way of those shots flawlessly. And with the DOMO cruiser maneuvering so much to avoid Nikera’s shots, it became easier for her to move in for a close-range assault.

Once you knew how a mech worked and maneuvered, close-range combat in a mech was just like close-range combat on the ground. Equipped with standard combat training, mech training from the best mech pilot she knew, and some additional melee tricks from the same man, Nikera was a demon in close-range mech combat. If the U-TIC operatives flying the DOMO cruiser had known that, they would have known that letting her get close was far worse than allowing her continued fire from afar. But once she got close enough, they didn’t have time to learn from their mistakes.

She cleaved into the ship with her energy sword, first into the cannons placed around the outside of the ship, then into the sides where the cargo holds might be, and then near the rear where the critical components of the ship likely were. The first part of the fight took almost an hour of constant shooting and maneuvering, but the second part was over in minutes. With her final cut, the ship couldn’t maintain its course. It would have to drop out of hyperspace now or risk being destroyed.

Nikera could have left the battle at that, but, well, there were few things she hated as much as U-TIC.

She continued her assault on the ship, slashed and kicked at it with her mech until the hull was so damaged that the pilots couldn’t possibly be alive. The only thing keeping the ship on course at this point was Nikera’s own maneuvering. Once she knew she and the Elsa would be clear of the impending explosions, she kicked free of the cruiser and watched it list into the confines of the UMN columns where it was promptly obliterated.

Nikera sped up her mech until she was following directly behind the Elsa and in line with its hangar. She hailed the ship again. Matthews answered on his personal comms this time. Nikera didn’t wait for his greeting before she spoke.

“Open the hangar, Matthews,” she said.

“Remind me to never get on your bad side,” Matthews said. “Let me just make sure our passengers are clear and then I’ll let you in.”

“Is there a cyborg and a realian on board with you?”

“Yeah,” Matthews said as he slammed his foot on his chair. “They’re the reason for all the damn trouble.”

Nikera smirked. “And the reason why I showed up to help you.”

“Can’t tell if we’re lucky or unlucky.”

“Unlucky, definitely,” Nikera said. “Unless you have a huge payoff coming after this.”

“God, I hope so,” Matthews said. “The passengers are clear of the hangar. Try not to scratch the paint any more than it already is on your way in.”

“I would never,” Nikera said, and she disconnected the call.

The hangar doors opened and Nikera maneuvered her mech inside to one of the docks. Once the hangar bay was closed again and she had the all-clear, she climbed out of her mech.

She should have felt relieved. That was how people felt after surviving combat, right? This was hardly her day-to-day, but it still felt very business-as-usual to Nikera. Rather than any sense of relief at the end of combat or even frustration at her mission going south, she could only think about one thing.

This was going to be one hell of a report.


	2. Something Good Comes With the Bad

The passengers that greeted Nikera when she exited the hangar of the Elsa were not what she was expecting, several times over. The 100-Series Prototype wasn’t like realians Nikera had met before. Most realians always seemed too analytical and obedient to pass as human. And the others she had been around were little more than monsters driven mad. The 100-Series Prototype seemed like a normal little girl in every way. She was almost cheerful, considering the peril they had just escaped.

There was also a crew member among them that Nikera had never met before, a young man with silver hair. He watched Nikera and the others as if he was looking straight into them. Nikera couldn’t quite pinpoint why, but, despite the smile on his face, there was something sad about him.

Aside from them, there were two passengers in Vector uniforms and an android that seemed to be in their party. The android resembled a woman, though she was unmistakably a machine. One of the Vector scientists, the man, was unassuming. The woman with the holo-glasses was familiar to Nikera. She had a guess as to who the woman was, but that would have been too great a coincidence, so she brushed it off until she knew for sure.

And then there was the cyborg, Ziggurat 8. Having some idea who Nikera was, or perhaps recognizing her from any briefing he might have received on the mission, he was the first to step forward.

“You must be the agent we were supposed to rendezvous with,” he said.

“Aleth Nikera,” she said with a nod. “And you’re Ziggurat 8?”

Nikera stepped forward and extended her left hand. Ziggurat 8 grasped her hand even as his eyes very briefly flitted to her right arm. He locked eyes with Nikera again afterwards but said nothing more.

The realian girl was the next to speak. “Ziggy,” she said. “And I’m MOMO.” She was almost proud, the way she said it. Ziggurat 8 only looked at MOMO, mostly expressionless, and then he nodded.

Nikera cocked her head. “Ziggy and MOMO, then,” she said.

The woman in the Vector uniform stepped forward. “My name is Shion Uzuki. This is Allen Ridgley and KOS-MOS,” she said as she gestured to the two standing next to her.

Nikera could barely contain her surprise at hearing the name. Coincidences abound today. She _did_ recognize the woman after all. The last time she saw her she was quite young, and it was just after the Miltian Incident. They had met before through a mutual acquaintance, namely Shion’s brother Jin. If Shion recognized Nikera at all, she didn’t show it.

“Is something wrong, Ms. Nikera?” Shion said.

Nikera caught herself staring and shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “Just surprised to find two Vector scientists here.”

“How exactly do you know we work for Vector?” Allen said.

“I’ve been to Fifth Jerusalem a few times,” Nikera said. “Most of you wear that uniform, don’t you?”

Shion shot Allen a look that could have been anywhere between reprimanding or annoyed. But before she could say anything to him the young man with silver hair stepped forward.

“My name is chaos,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Nikera nodded. “It’s strange for Matthews to have so many passengers.”

chaos smiled wider and said, “It wasn’t quite the opportunity he was hoping for when we went looking for salvage.”

“I figured he was up to something like that,” Nikera said. “Not many known new wrecks right now. Don’t tell me he was looking to get scrap from the Woglinde?”

“You’re certainly well informed,” Shion said.

“I heard the news about it yesterday ,” Nikera said. “No survivors, as far as I heard.”

“Actually, Allen, KOS-MOS, and I were on that vessel. There’s also a Federation officer on board who survived,” Shion said. “There might be others who survived too. I’m sure official reports won’t know that for a few days, at least.”

“That’s all very sad, but,” Nikera said as she crossed her arms. “I’m sorry, but Ziggy and I really should discuss the next course of action.”

“Oh, of course. And we should check in with Captain Matthews and the rest of the crew,” Shion said. “Come on, Allen.”

Shion, Allen, and KOS-MOS walked away in the direction of the bridge. chaos wasn’t far behind, though he clearly wasn’t in a rush. That left Nikera, MOMO, and Ziggy standing alone in the hall just outside the hangar.

“The level of resistance put up by the U-TIC Organization was unexpected,” Ziggy said. “Damages to our ship make it impossible for us to continue to Second Miltia at this time.”

“My orders are to escort you to Second Miltia. However you want to proceed from here, I’ll follow along,” Nikera said.

“We’ll have to find alternative transportation. I think we should speak with the ship captain and find out if he can take us to a transport station,” Ziggy said.

“Captain Matthews,” Nikera said. “I know him. I’m sure I can call in a favor.”

“Then we should go speak with him,” MOMO said.

It was strange, seeing the way MOMO and Ziggy looked at each other. MOMO was clearly attached to the cyborg. What he thought of her, however, was anyone’s guess. His expression didn’t betray much about his thoughts. Nikera wondered if all cyborgs were that way. Ziggy was the first she’d ever met, so she couldn’t say.

The bridge was already lively by the time they showed up there. chaos was quick to introduce MOMO and Ziggy to Matthews, whose displeasure at the unexpected situation was evident on his face.

As Ziggy began explaining the situation to Matthews, Nikera caught eyes with Hammer, who quickly looked away and turned his attention to the conversation. Nikera smirked at that. He always hated the way she pushed his buttons, but she got such a kick out of it when he acted the way he did. He was like a little kid.

“The U-TIC Organization?” Matthews suddenly exclaimed. “Nikera what kind of trouble are you bringing to my ship?”

Nikera turned to Matthews and shrugged with a smirk. “Don’t give me all the credit, Matthews. You didn’t have to let any of us on _your_ ship.”

“If you didn’t save our asses back there, I would throw you off of this ship right now,” Matthews said.

“You wouldn’t dare trying,” Nikera said. “Besides, the Elsa is _technically_ a passenger vessel. It won’t kill you to have a few more passengers until we get where we’re going, will it?”

Matthews shooed Nikera with his hand, though for a moment it very much looked like he was planning a more offensive gesture. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “You’re lucky you get us out of as much trouble as you get us into.”

Ziggy and MOMO looked back at Nikera at that, and Nikera shrugged.

“I told you it would be fine,” Nikera said. “I should file a report. Come find me if you need anything.”

With that, Nikera turned and left the bridge. This was hardly how she expected her day to go, but it wasn’t _unpleasant_ being aboard a familiar ship. The familiarity felt safe. She knew where everything was on this ship. She knew most of the crew. Some of them she even trusted...mostly.

Nikera claimed one of the single rooms in the barracks and set up her datapad to go through the desk console. She started filing an initial report on the mission but didn’t get very far. The familiarity of the ship and running into Shion Uzuki, of all people, got her thinking about Second Miltia and the non-urgent message she’d been avoiding all day.

She closed her partial report and opened the message instead. It read:

_Nik_

_I thought about vid-calling you, but I wasn’t sure you’d answer. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. Are you doing okay? You know you can call me any time._

_Jin_

Nikera had dreaded opening this message, perhaps foolishly she realized now. And, she supposed, it would be annoying having to explain to him why she never answered him once she got to Second Miltia. Better to just contact him now while she had the time. And the will.

She accessed the UMN through her terminal and made the call. She was greeted a few seconds later by the familiar face of Jin Uzuki.

His expression was soft, as it often was, but it was also stern. “You’ve been avoiding talking to anyone,” he said.

“I’ve been busy,” Nikera said.

“Even Helmer is worried about you.”

“You and Helmer are always worried about me,” Nikera said.

Jin sighed. He opened his mouth briefly and the smallest beginnings of a word started to form on his lips. But the word fell short and he began again with something else. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Nikera said. “And this is going to sound crazy, but I’m on a ship with your sister.”

“With Shion? I haven’t heard from her in days. Is she okay?”

Nikera sighed. “You could just try calling her.”

“She doesn’t answer,” Jin said. “Kind of like you.”

“Every time I talk to you, you’re worrying about her,” Nikera said. “You do know she’s a grown woman, right?”

Jin didn’t respond for a few seconds. Then he said, “When will you be back on Second Miltia?”

“Soon, actually. Mostly on Helmer’s insistence.”

“If not for him, you would never take a break,” Jin said. “How exactly did you and Shion meet?”

“We just happen to be on the same ship,” Nikera said. “I don’t think she remembers me.”

“It _was_ a long time ago. There was a lot going on back then.”

“That’s certainly a mild way to put it.”

Jin, perhaps detecting something in Nikera’s voice or seeing something on her face, made an expression of concern. She didn’t know why. She hadn’t made any reaction or expression of her own that betrayed any feelings he assumed she was having. Still, considering the subject they were closely broaching, his concern probably shouldn’t have surprised her. By the time he continued speaking, the expression was gone. “Do you know where Shion is headed?”

Nikera shook her head exasperatedly. “I’m not her keeper, Jin.”

“Will you at least keep an eye on her as long as you’re on the same ship?”

“I’m quite sure she can look after herself. If there’s nothing else, I have work to do,” she said. That was sort of true. She did still have to finish the report on the current mission status. Mostly, though, she was done indulging him in this conversation.

Jin spoke up for her to wait, though, and, if it had been anyone else trying to stop her from disconnecting the call, she would have just hung up on them. But because it was him, she waited.

“Take care of yourself, Nik,” he said. “And please check in with me if anything happens.”

“You know that I will.” That was a lie, and both of them knew it. But Jin couldn’t convince Nikera to stay in regular contact any more than she could convince him to stop worrying. So he simply nodded at her and they both disconnected the call.

Once the call was done, Nikera took some time to finish the rest of her report and sent it along to both Helmer and Juli Mizrahi. She had to cover all her bases, especially if the GF was watching her on this mission as close as Juli had suggested. But once that was done, there was little else urgent for her to do. She knew logically that she needed to sleep, but that was lower on her priority list than it should have been.

Instead, she left her bunk and made her way toward the hangar. She spent some time doing basic maintenance on her mech; it didn’t sustain any significant damage during the fight, at least not from U-TIC. The only maintenance she had to do was to counteract the damage done by her stressing the mech’s capabilities in combat. That was pretty typical, at least the rare times she got into combat at all. But hands-on maintenance took her less than an hour, and the rest was just basic calibrations done by subroutines performed during the mech’s self-check software.

With that out of the way, she went back to the bridge. That clicking sound, one that probably would have been imperceptible to anyone but her, started up in her leg again on the way. She would have to do maintenance on her own parts soon. But for now she was just looking for a way to pass the time.

The bridge was mostly empty when Nikera got there. Tony sat up front in his chair, completely absorbed in flying the ship despite the lack of anything interesting happening. Matthews was the only other one there besides Tony. He was in the captain’s chair, quietly puffing on a cigarette as he watched the passage of the UMN columns - perceived by the human eye as bright flashes of color - out the window.

Nikera walked up next to him, her own focus settled out the window. She didn’t turn to face Matthews as she spoke. “It’s been an eventful day for you. Got another one of those?”

Matthews knew Nikera well enough that he knew she was asking for a cigarette. He grunted, either in affirmation or resignation of her question. She wasn’t sure which, not that it mattered. He handed her a cigarette and lit it for her. “It’d be better if that eventful day included getting paid.”

Nikera took a few drags of her own cigarette before replying. “I’m sure some compensation can be arranged for the inconvenience.”

“Thought you were trying to call in a favor.”

Nikera shrugged. “I suppose I could, but it’s not like the money would come from my pockets if you got some kind of payoff for this.”

“Fair enough.” Matthews stared at Nikera for a moment then. She could feel his eyes on her, so much that she almost knew what he was going to say before he said it. “No offense, but you look like shit.”

Nikera brushed off the undertone of the comment with a chuckle and a smirk. “I didn’t realize that showing up out of the blue to save your ass from U-TIC was a beauty contest.”

Matthews chuckled as well, but he didn’t let up. “Let me rephrase that; you look half-dead. When was the last time you slept? Or ate for that matter?”

“When was the last time you put down a cigarette? You smell like an ashtray.” The irony of the statement wasn’t lost on her as she took another drag of her cigarette. In fact, she smirked as she did so, knowing that Matthews would want to make a snide reply. The smirk she gave him shut that want down and he appeared to drop the subject. “So where are we headed, anyway?”

Matthews grunted. “We’ll be dropping out of hyperspace in a couple of hours. There’s a small colony not far from here where we can refuel and make some repairs. You might even be able to find passage on a ship from there.”

Nikera hummed. She had some ideas about that, but she wasn’t exactly in charge of this mission. She wasn’t about to call the shots on it. That would be up to the cyborg - Ziggy. “I can start on some of those repairs, if you’d like.”

Tony, who had been quiet up until now and made no previous acknowledgement that Nikera was in the room, spoke up. “That would sure speed things up. Right, Captain?”

Matthews scoffed and said, “What? And then we owe you another favor? I don’t think so. Find some other way to pass the time.”

Nikera furrowed her brows. She suspected Matthews was only refusing because he was worried about her. But he would never admit that, and she wasn’t about to ask. So she didn’t argue the point. She shrugged. “Your loss,” she said. She finished up her cigarette, smashing it into the ashtray that sat precariously on the console in front of Matthews once she was done. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

She turned and made to leave, but Matthews spoke again before she was gone. “You settled into the barracks yet?”

Nikera snorted. He was trying to tell her to get some rest. If he only knew how hard it was for her, he wouldn’t be asking. She decided not to respond and instead walked right out. Though, to be fair, she _did_ head back toward the barracks. There was no telling when she would have another chance, so she had to at least try to get some rest now while she could.

She settled into her bunk and laid down. Her body was more tired than her mind was. That was a problem she had to deal with often even without her insistence on avoiding sleep. After her head hit her pillow, it didn’t take long for her eyelids to droop closed and sleep to find her. Her last bit of consciousness was spent hoping that the dreams would leave her be; just an hour or two, that was all she needed. But maybe she shouldn’t have bothered.

Her mind was one of her own worst enemies.


	3. Trying to Scream Underwater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings - References to depression, sleep disorders, nightmares.

It was the smell that she noticed first, that sharp smell of alcohol and cleaning solutions. Then there was a different smell. It smelled like meat cooking right up until it didn’t anymore, and she knew what the smell was. The first time you caught the scent of it, it was indistinguishable from the generic smell of any meat cooking. But, once you knew where it came from, you never forgot that smell. It was a smell Nikera was sadly familiar with, the smell of burning human flesh. And, in this case, it was her own.

She should have been in pain, but she wasn’t. She only knew what had happened because she could no longer stand. She was staring at the sky. The sky should have been lit up with stars, but instead she could only see a battlefield, evacuation ships, the gnosis. When she tried to stand, she couldn’t. Not all of her was there. There was something missing from her. No, there was a lot missing from her.

And then suddenly she could feel pain again, insurmountable but nonspecific. The smell of burning flesh was gone, replaced once again by the smell of alcohol and cleaning solution. She was whole again, but she still couldn’t move. The man who came around often to change her IV fluids had injected something again, and whatever it was made every nerve in her body feel like it was on fire. Her lungs were tight. She couldn’t breathe.

That was when she knew it was a dream, and she needed to wake up.

She opened her eyes to find the ceiling of her bunk above her. She was awake, but she still couldn’t breathe or move. This happened sometimes, this form of sleep paralysis, especially when she woke from a nightmare. She knew in her head that the moment would pass. Just seconds more and it would be gone, but that didn’t stop her from panicking, and it didn’t stop the silent warning in the corner of her ocular HUD from notifying her of the change in her heart rate and oxygen levels.

The moment finally passed, and Nikera took large gasping breaths that she couldn’t contain. She was suddenly very glad that the Elsa had private bunks. This wasn’t something she wanted to explain to anyone. Then she looked at the time. It had barely been thirty minutes since she laid down. Thirty minutes of sleep. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it would have to do. She wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep right now anyway.

There was no one in the barracks when she emerged from her bunk, which was a blessing. One look at herself in the mirror, and she could see exactly what Matthews was talking about earlier. The dark circles under her eyes, the pallid tint to her skin, both of them made her look half a corpse. She probably looked worse now than she did before she tried to sleep. She took a quick moment to tidy up her hair, which, though quite long, she usually kept tied back in a tight bun. She also splashed some water on her face in an effort to wake up and bring some color back. It did as well as it could have, and she left for the maintenance bay once she was done.

A quick pass by the mess hall on her way told her exactly where most of the passengers were right now; the drone of conversation carried out from the door as she passed by. She wanted to avoid encounters with anyone, so she walked by the mess hall quickly. No one inside was any the wiser. Her stomach grumbled a bit at the smell of freshly cooked food, but she ignored it for now. She would get some later.

The Elsa’s resident robots were busying themselves here and there down on the maintenance deck with various tasks. None of them acknowledged Nikera’s presence, which was pretty par for the course unless she approached them first. There was an A.G.W.S. unit sitting at one of the docks that she didn’t recognize. It was in too good of shape to be a bit of salvage that the crew of the Elsa picked up, so it must have belonged to one of the other passengers. Either that, or Matthews had one hell of a payday followed by a weird spending spree, which she highly doubted.

Nikera pilfered some tools that were sitting around the maintenance bay and headed toward one of the storage rooms. It was the best place for her to work on her own maintenance without anyone inadvertently running into her. Once she got there, however, she learned she wasn’t the only one with that idea. There was already a diagnostic chair in the particular storage room she walked into, and sitting in it was none other than Ziggy.

Nikera locked eyes with him for a moment in silence. She couldn’t shake the feeling that he was scanning over her, and maybe he was. After all, she herself would have probably done the same. As it was, her ocular HUD implant was designed to give her personal readouts of her own equipment, vitals, and personal communications, not to monitor external information. She could only guess at what he was thinking or observing in the brief few seconds of silence between them.

Nikera was the first to break that silence. “I didn’t realize this room was taken,” she said. A quick glance at the consoles he was working with told her that he was in the middle of a standard maintenance routine.

Whatever Ziggy was mulling over when he looked at her, assuming he was mulling over anything at all, he must have decided not to say anything about it. “Apologies. I was just in the middle of--”

“I can see that,” Nikera interrupted. She crossed her arms, tools still in her hands, and leaned against the wall. It was a concerted effort to look more nonchalant than she felt in that moment. “I imagine you have to do maintenance pretty regularly. No offense, but you’re a pretty old model. Ever considered upgrading?”

“It’s difficult to find more up-to-date parts that would be compatible with the core pieces of this body,” he said. He nodded his head almost imperceptibly at her, as if pointing with his eyebrows. “It seems like you may have similar problems.”

Nikera set her jaw. She wasn’t surprised that he knew she had cybernetics despite her efforts to keep them hidden; he was a full cyborg. Even if his readouts couldn’t detect the cybernetics directly, it was unlikely that he didn’t notice the extremely uneven weight distribution of her body, especially when she walked. And beyond that, it was entirely possible he had learned the information from Nikera’s file. But just because she wasn’t surprised didn’t mean she was okay with it. Her particular situation wasn’t normally something she liked discussing. In this case, though, it was a little easier to talk about since Ziggy was a cyborg. There probably wasn’t much she could say that he would not understand.

“I need certain models or custom-made parts for my prosthetics to be compatible with my specific neural implants. I probably don’t need to tell you how expensive it would be to get new ones.” Any upgrades beyond what Nikera already had would be considered voluntary as opposed to necessary. She would never be able to get it approved through her job, and she certainly didn’t make enough money to afford the newer implants herself. It was an altogether different problem than something a cyborg faced since the implants still needed to work with a mostly-organic body. Ziggy, on the other hand, had very few organic parts left, assuming his file was accurate. He could replace entire parts of himself without risking further damage. Still, it was because of that that he probably understood exactly what she meant.

“The bearing in your right leg is wearing down,” Ziggy said.

“I believe so. That’s why I came down here. I’d planned to fix the damn thing up,” she said. She fiddled with the tools in her hands as she tapped her right foot against the ground. She could hear the clicking calling attention to the problem as she did so. She would probably need to replace the whole leg soon.

“Some of the other passengers seem quite knowledgeable about technology. I’m sure they would be willing to help if you asked them,” he said.

“I could say the same to you,” she said. Ziggy was impossible to read based on facial expressions, but his silence told Nikera that she had hit the nail on the head. But she wasn’t trying to get under his skin. On the contrary, she could relate with him to a point. “I’ve never been very comfortable talking about my cybernetics with others. Some people are too nosy; they always want to know what happened. Not exactly something I enjoy talking about.”

“It’s not common to see active combatants with prosthetics, especially since the Life Recycling Act was repealed,” Ziggy said with a nod.

Nikera cocked her head ever so slightly. She had assumed that Juli Mizrahi made Nikera’s complete file available for Ziggy, but perhaps some of it was redacted. Whatever the case, it seemed that Ziggy didn’t know everything about why Nikera had the prosthetics she had. If he did, he certainly wasn’t doing anything to show it. “I don’t have any other marketable skills,” she said. “And I wasn’t really in a position to… retire when I received these.”

That wasn’t a total lie. Her mechanical skills were actually very marketable. However, she was really in a position to go to prison when she needed prosthetics, but an opportunity presented itself for her to work for Helmer instead. Of course, back then he was a colonel working for the Galactic Federation. Now Helmer was representative of Second Miltia. Nikera still worked for him in most ways, but most of her jobs were required of her by the GF. Helmer was really only serving as a proxy for her, and only out of professional courtesy granted him by his service to the GF. If she wasn’t serving as an agent, she would probably just be in a prison cell. And even if she wasn’t, she would definitely be without any prosthetics at all, lying in a bed somewhere unable to do much of anything. She didn’t exactly bring any money with her from her old life.

“Whatever the reason, you have a good reputation and an impressive service record,” Ziggy said.

“Only in certain circles,” Nikera said plainly. People who knew her, like Helmer, would only have good things to say about her, and for good reason. Her demeanor may not have reflected this, but she was a good, get-shit-done agent, even if she wasn’t always by-the-book. People who only knew her by her past history, like the Galactic Federation, for example, questioned her character. She didn’t exactly blame them. Anyone with past ties to U-TIC faced similar scrutiny in the wake of the Miltian Incident. But how many years did she need to spend proving herself before they trusted her?

Ziggy never responded to Nikera’s remark. He simply finished the maintenance routine he was running and stood from the chair. “I’m going to arrange passage to Second Miltia with Captain Matthews rather than seeking another transport vessel. It seems some of the other passengers have the same destination in mind. Under the current circumstances, this ship will be better defended than any other transport we could find in such a short time.”

Nikera nodded. “I was going to suggest the same. We can trust the crew of the Elsa to be discreet, even if that trust comes at a monetary cost. Besides, Tony is one of the best pilots out there.”

“He certainly did an impressive job flying such a large ship during a battle in hyperspace. Speaking of which, it’s also impressive that you were able to find us,” Ziggy said.

“A little bit of skill and a lot of luck,” Nikera said. “If I hadn’t been scanning the UMN at the exact moment I was, I would have missed you entirely. Lucky for me because I was not looking forward to the debriefing I would have received if I’d headed back from the rendezvous without you.”

Ziggy nodded but didn’t continue the discussion beyond that. Nikera couldn’t tell if he was simply a man of few words or if he was trying to get out of here as fast as possible.

“I’m finished with my maintenance. Feel free to make use of the room,” he said. Then he walked out without another word.

Nikera didn’t know what to make of the conversation. It felt a little like Ziggy had been talking to fill the silence. But he was a cyborg. She doubted he felt the need to speak unless what he said was necessary or warranted. Then again, maybe she was completely wrong. After all, there was some part of him that remembered being human, wasn’t there? Not that it mattered. Nikera wasn’t exactly the easiest person to converse with herself, and she knew it. Maybe the only surprising thing should have been how long the two of them were able to carry a conversation in the first place.

Nikera stepped over to the door once Ziggy was gone and locked it. She didn’t need any strays wandering in to see her working. Once the door was locked, she undid the zipper up her right pant leg that gave her access to her prosthetic. She spent the next hour or so carefully removing the flexisteel plating and getting to the hardware in the joints of the leg where she tightened up or replaced any small parts that needed replacing. One look at the bearing in the knee told her that Ziggy was right; it was wearing down. She could replace it with a spare robot part for the time being, but this wasn’t going to hold that much longer before she would need to replace the leg entirely. It was a shame Matthews and the crew hadn’t salvaged anything worthwhile from the Woglinde. She was sure there would have been some good parts for her to use.

She was about to begin maintenance on her arm when she heard an alert from Matthews come over the ship comms. They had dropped out of hyperspace and were approaching the fueling colony. The maintenance on her arm could wait until later. She needed to disembark on the off chance that she could find the parts she needed on this colony.

The colony was a pit. A lot of colonies like this one were. Even so, Nikera always felt more at home in places like this than she did on highly populated planets like Second Miltia or Fifth Jerusalem. She didn’t know why; it wasn’t as if she grew up on a pit colony or anything. She supposed maybe she just liked the people. A lot of them were spiteful and bitter, to be sure, but there was something honest about that bitterness that Nikera respected. In her experience, the more important a person was, the more likely they were to be two-faced and untrustworthy. Colony dwellers weren’t like that.

Still, because the colony was a pit, she wasn’t able to find any replacement parts that would suffice. She ended up leaving the colony with nothing more than a supply of cigarettes, of which she intended to give most to Matthews. After an hour or two of being there, she was ready to leave, and she hoped the others were as well. She met with Matthews on the bridge and the two of them sat together in a comfortable silence while the others finished up their business and the small repairs on the Elsa were complete.

At least, she thought it would be a comfortable silence until Matthews began speaking. “So, your cyborg buddy said you all are headed to Second Miltia,” he said. His tone was direct, but he sat in his chair and stared at the starry expanse through the window in front of them.

“Home again,” Nikera said, her own voice dripping with sarcasm. It wasn’t that she didn’t think of Second Miltia as home; on the contrary, if she had a home, it was undoubtedly Second Miltia. But that didn’t mean she wanted to go back.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to leave faster than we can get you there,” he said. Matthews didn’t know specifics about Nikera besides the fact that she worked for Helmer, but her general disdain for going back home was something he was familiar with by now.

Nikera smiled sardonically at that. It was true that she would want to leave as soon as she got there. But between Helmer and Jin there was no way she would be able to. Once she was there, she would be stuck for a week at least, maybe two. Not that she didn’t appreciate their concern for her, of course. But they didn’t understand. They couldn’t. There were too many reasons, too many things she couldn’t talk about that made going home difficult for her. And it wasn’t Second Miltia, not really. It was the stagnation. Her demons were always close on her heels. It was easier to keep moving.

Nikera almost forgot the conversation until Matthews spoke again through a thick cloud of smoke from a fresh cigarette. “But maybe you should take the chance to take it easy.”

If Matthews didn’t see her roll her eyes, he would certainly be able to hear it in her voice. “Please don’t start.”

“I wouldn’t. You know I don’t give a damn what you do with your time,” he said as he leaned forward in his chair and stared directly at her. “But maybe you should look in a damn mirror.”

“If you don’t care,” Nikera said, “then stop bringing it up.”

Matthews grumbled in the way that only Matthews did. He stared at her as if studying her face. She could only stare back at him and focus on keeping an impassive expression. She hoped that would cause him to lose interest in the subject.

It didn’t.

Instead, he adopted his own impassive expression as he gazed out the window. It was as if he thought the less invested he looked the more willing she would be to talk more about it. Of course, she could always just leave the room. That was an option. In fact, she wasn’t sure why she didn’t. Maybe it was the company, even if the topic of conversation was unpleasant.

“Why do you hate going back there anyway? It’s not as if you don’t get paid enough to enjoy a vacation every now and then,” he said.

Nikera followed his eyes back to the window. There was nothing there, nothing besides the endless expanse of starts and the edge of the colony docks. From here, they couldn’t even see any people working. There was nothing but a scene of complete silence, and the room was now anything but. “I wouldn’t say that Second Miltia is the best place to vacation, not unless you like bustling cities,” Nikera said.

“Sure, but you live there, right? Have family there?”

That last question took Nikera by surprise a little. “You’ve never asked me that before. Do I really look that bad?”

“You're damn right you do. And that doesn’t answer the question.”

Nikera sighed. “I have an apartment there, but it doesn’t really feel like home. I don’t have family there, at least not in the way you mean.” Jin and Helmer were both like family, she supposed. The only family she had.

“Listen,” Matthews said with another grumble. “All I’m saying is that if you have any people there, they’d be worried about you seeing you right now. I told you before to get some rest. Did you?”

His concern was growing more confusing than annoying. Matthews and the rest of the crew, they weren’t exactly people that Nikera considered friends. They had always just been acquaintances at best. At least, that’s what she thought. But it wasn’t like Matthews to push like this, not unless he had a payday on the line. And Nikera’s health wasn’t putting that in danger for him, so what else could it be?

She watched him for a moment as she considered it. They did share a mutual respect that she didn’t have with many other people. And, honestly, Nikera was closer to Matthews’ age than she was with most of the others on this ship. Perhaps they really could be friends. Perhaps in his mind they already were.

Nikera found the words falling from her mouth before she even realized it. “I can’t sleep.”

“Can’t,” Matthews echoed. Nikera almost sighed in relief when he didn’t question why. “You ever tried sleeping pills? Or getting really drunk?”

“I’m on a job,” Nikera said, and that was true. But it was also true that neither tactic did much to help. Sure, they helped her to sleep, but the nightmares were just as bad. Sometimes worse.

“If you want to talk about it,” he said. He didn’t finish his sentence, but he didn’t need to.

Nikera wasn’t exactly the sharing type, even with Jin, and he knew more about her than anyone. She was about to tell Matthews as much, but she never had the chance. The Elsa suddenly blew up with activity, something about Commander Cherenkov being in some trouble on the colony. Hammer, in a complete panic, was the one who came with the news. Shion, Ziggy, and chaos were the ones who responded to the situation. Nikera, for her part, elected to stay behind. Not only did she plan to keep an eye on MOMO if necessary, but Federation soldiers weren’t exactly her favorite people. 

They came back no more than an hour later. The man they called Cherenkov sustained some injuries, but he came away alive, and it certainly added some liveliness to an otherwise boring visit to a colony. From the Woglinde to the battle in hyperspace and now this, Nikera was beginning to wonder if the crew of the Elsa didn’t attract bad luck. Or maybe it was Nikera herself. Of course, the worst was yet to come.


End file.
